Posts Tagged ‘ Blood ’

Sharks in Venice

Now I like to fancy myself somewhat a connoisseur of films of dubious quality, but I sometimes can find a movie hard to watch. There is after all a distinction between GOOD Bad and BAD bad.

I feel that the cardinal sins of making a B movie are being boring, and misleading the audience. The film that I recently had the experience of viewing, Sharks in Venice commits both of those sins. I know, I really shouldn’t have expected much, it was after all a movie of the week that premiered on the Sci Fi channel. But every once in a while we do get a decent addition to the “Killer Animals Attack” genre from them.

I felt it had the makings of a decent bad movie. It has a great title, a trailer that inspires confidence, and it stars an actor far removed from his prime, Stephen Baldwin! My hopes were about as high as possible for this movie, all things considered.

Here’s the trailer:

Pretty much everything good in the movie right there

So yeah, I thought it looked enjoyable. It turned out that it wasn’t the worst thing ever, but not something I can really recommend to anyone, cause all the best bits are already in the trailer. You saw those two shots of poorly rendered CGI sharks eating people? that’s all the movie has going for it in the “bad CGI shark department’”. That’s it, the rest is the usual stock footage of sharks, clouds of blood, and murky shots of people scuba diving. Not impressive in the least.

That’s where the sense of being mislead comes in. Sure I know that if you want to get down to it the movie’s title is Sharks in Venice, and that’s what it delivers, but I feel that it should have had a lot more amusing shark action than just the stuff in the trailer. It’s such a great B movie concept. Just imagine sharks rampaging around eating gondolas, and boats and tons of people! Mayhem, body parts, teeth and blood everywhere. Yeah there was some potential there. Squandered potential.

I feel that in a movie like this, if you’re gonna name your film after the deadly animals involved you should at least have a decent amount of screen time of said animal. Look at Snakes on a Plane for example, tons of snakes on a plane for most of the run time. Or even other sci fi channel movies like Dinocroc or Supergator, they make up for the lack of quality in their movie by having a giant dinosaur/crocodile/gator eating people whenever they get a chance. The effects aren’t great or anything, but I expect to have my titular killer animals in the movie in at least some entertaining fashion.

sharksinvenicer1artpicI mean come on this is a pretty awesome DVD cover. It’s a giant fucking shark about to eat a gondola, it’s ruining shit and looking menacing. The only parts of the movie remotely like this were in the trailer.

When you give your movie a title, I usually expect it to reflect the content of the film. Sharks in Venice has the same problem that the academy Award winning film There Will Be Blood had; a title that while technically correct is actually a reference to a more minor part of the film as a whole in regard to screen time. Spoilers: There’s not much blood at all in There Will Be Blood, most of it shows up in the last scene, after Daniel Day Lewis talks about milkshakes.

I feel the movie should have been called Stephen Baldwin in Venice: The Sharkening.

Most of the movie is about Stephen Baldwin looking for some treasure that his dad was looking for. He has to go scuba diving to find it cause it’s in a secret underground place that has an underwater entrance. But every time he goes diving the sharks show up and eat someone. It sounds like there might be some excitement there, but  as I mentioned before it’s just murky looking and peppered with shark stock footage.

Stephen Baldwin’s girlfriend gets kidnapped by the mafia, who want the treasure. We don’t really care, but it gives Baldwin a reason to keep going into the water. The big twist is that the sharks had been released into the Venetian waters by the big mafia bad guy, who somehow got ahold of baby great white sharks, and decided that somehow they’d make good underwater guard dogs. The whole situation doesn’t really seem that feasible, especially considering the bad guy has a tank with baby great whites in it, and everyone knows great whites cannot live in captivity.

The middle of the movie is Baldwin dealing with the mafia, there’s a foot chase in which they run down the same small stretch of street at least three times, while mafia goons try to shoot Baldwin. It doesn’t make much sense, cause they need him to find the treasure. Then when he does lead the mafia goons to the treasure, they try to kill him. So there’s a short fight scene that manages to involve a battle axe, and a sword. It’s all captivating enough to the point that you’re not totally bored, it just doesn’t happen to involve any killer sharks.

Sharks_In_Venice_2By the end of the movie there’s a shootout between mafia goons and an Italian SWAT team at a factory/warehouse place. you know the same factory/warehouse place that all action movies tend to end at. Apparently there’s one in Venice. So there’s some explosions and shooting, and it’s all nothing that I cared about in the least.

The best thing about the movie is the fact that by the end, the shark is still alive. It doesn’t come back to life in some sort of surprise ending or anything, they just don’t bother killing it, so it’s just swimming around still. And the Italian police spend the whole movie just insisting that there’s no sharks in Venice despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. They’re really serious about it.

Which is a problem with the movie as a whole, it takes itself way too seriously. There’s not enough shenanigans to make up for the lack of goodness.

Honestly the best way to approach the film is to just watch the trailer, have yourself a laugh, and just be glad that the movie exists out there somewhere and that you don’t have to watch it.


[REC] 2


So I finally got to see [Rec] 2 last night and have to say that I was quite happy with the movie.

[Rec] 2 you say?

You don’t recall there being a movie called [Rec]?

Well of course you don’t cause when it came out back in 2007 Sony bought up the rights and made an inferior remake that they released as Quarantine.

Sound familiar? Well [REC] was the Spanish original and it’s better, it’s easily one of the scariest movies that I’ve ever seen, the last 10 minutes or so are just pants splatteringly terrifying. And the rest of the movie is pretty awesome to boot.

And in case you were wondering [REC] stands for Record, as you’d see it through a video camera, so yeah it’s one of those hand held camera footage sort of horror films. You know like Paranormal Activity, or The Blair Witch Project.

So the first movie is about an incredibly cute reporter and her camera man who are doing a late night special on some fire fighters, and follow the firefighters to a building that’s gotten an emergency call. When they get there, they find out that things aren’t right and there’s some crazy shit going down. It would seem that there’s a sort of zombie disease going through the tenants of the building they’re in. The police show up quarantine the building and trap them inside. Things get bad very, very fast.

The movie is super intense, insane, and hardcore. It’s one of the best horror movies of all time in my opinion, it’s pure visceral edge of your seat thrills.

The sequel, available on demand right now from Amazon or the Xbox marketplace, takes place roughly 10 minutes after the first movie.

The first part of the movie follows a SWAT team into the building. It’s good to know that the characters are well armed this time around, though it only helps them out a little, cause once the infected show up, well they’re pretty much fucked too.

It’s from the beginning that the movie fully embraces the religious overtones hinted at by the ending of the first, this might put off some people, but I loved it. I find religious themed horror to be some of the most effective thematically, cause it helps the plausibility when it’s based on something billions of people actually believe in.

We find that all the implications from the end of the first film are in fact, the reasoning behind the happenings. We got some full on, crazy as fuck demonic virus spreading around here. Demonic Zombies! SCORE!

So now that things are set firmly in the supernatural, it leaves us open for even crazier scary stuff. We got demon zombie children climbing on ceilings, demon zombie children using scary demon voices, and then some faith in God versus demon action. It turns out the technichian that the SWAT team had brought with them is really like a secret undercover Priest who doesn’t take no shit from anyone, demons included.

He’s just like “SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD!”

Which happens quite a few times. He just fuckin blows away the aforementioned ceiling crawling zombie kid. It’s awesome. Faith and shotguns are a potent mix.

The movie does detour a bit when the focus shifts to some kids who’ve gotten into the building, who just happen to also have a camera. Iit kinda messes the pace up a little, but some of the coolest parts happen from their point of view; so it’s OK, cause it just adds to the craziness. During their section, there’s an amazing part involving a demon zombie getting a bottle rocket shoved into its head.

The two storylines eventually connect and then there’s more mayhem, some more demon zombies, some more folks die, and then there’s a pretty decent twist. It’s not exactly hard to figure out, but it’s a good twist none the less. The horrifyingly emaciated zombie girl from the end of the first film returns, things get even worse for the characters and ultimately nobody has a good day.

Overall the second film isn’t quite as good as the first, but still pretty great in its own way. It gives us more of what we loved about the first, zombies and first person point of view, and builds respectably onto the mythology.

If you’re looking for some fast paced horror movies to keep you thrilled [Rec] and [Rec] 2 are great options.

GWAR at Bonnaroo 2010

So GWAR played a 2:30 AM set at Bonnaroo this year.

You know, Bonnaroo, the giant music festival in Tennessee where thousands of hippies and dirty people with dreadlocks gather to listen to music and trip out on tons of drugs.

Yeah GWAR played there this year, and it was awesome!

They rocked, there was tons of blood, Space Michael Jackson had his face ripped off, there was dismemberment, more blood, Obama showed up and in typical GWAR fashion sprayed blood everywhere, Margaret Cho got killed, and the was evil mutant baby impalement, an evil space pope, and then some blood sprayed everywhere.

Here’s some pics.

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