Archive for the ‘ Shenanigans ’ Category

The War Crimes of 50 Cent: Thoughts on 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand

In the world of film there’s good movies, bad movies, and a lot of movies that lie somewhere in between. But it’s the ‘B movies’,the special, lower budget films, that turn out to be weirdly endearing. Sure they’ve got faults, but there’s enough good things in them to make you watch them. There’s usually some wild, crazy aspect that makes you appreciate them for what they are. Good entertainment.

The 2009 video game 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is the game that I’ve played that feels most like a  great B Movie. It’s got a silly premise, it’s over the top, offensive, partially retarded,  and it’s damn fun.

The plot of the game is basically non existent and serves only as an excuse to propel Fiddy into a series of increasingly ludicrous and violent situations.

You play as Mr. Cent, and the game begins with you performing a concert in some giant stadium in some unnamed city in some geographic area that resembles the middle east. We have to assume it’s the middle east, cause there’s lots of sand, hence the title, and everyone speaks with a bad accent. Promptly after finishing the concert, Mr. Cent tries to collect eh 10 MILLION DOLLARS that his promoter guy is supposed to owe him, but his promoter guy is broke.

He got robbed by some terrorist/gangster/warlord guy and has no cash. So when Fiddy ever so politely threatens to kill the shit outta him unless he pays, he forks over a priceless artifact, the McGuffin of the story, a diamond and jewel encrusted skull.

Which promptly is stolen by people who work for the terrorist/gangster/warlord in the next scene. Fiddy gets double crossed, tripled crossed, and I’m pretty sure at one point even quadrupple crossed by various people who either want to kill him for no reason, or steal his skull. So he sets off to shoot a ton of dudes until he can get his skull back.

And shoot a tons of dudes he does, like so many dudes I’m pretty sure Mr. Cent could rightfully be charged with war crimes of some sort. And in shooting tons of dudes there’s some blood, also hence the title.

The game plays just like Gears of War, but without the roadie run and unfortunately also without the chainsaw gun.

You run into new areas, duck behind cover, shoot terrorist henchmen and then proceed into the next area to repeat the process. It’s fun, cause it’s not especially difficult, you can pretty much run n gun most of the time. So they gameplay’s not bad, it’s just basic stop n pop, and it’s fun in a mindless sort of way, it’s just the whole game itself is kinda offensive to anyone with moral sensibilities of almost any sort.

First off lets begin with the main character 50 Cent. He’s not a soldier, he’s a rapper. He’s not fighting through the middle east in an effort to liberate some country from the throngs of terror, he’s not trying to save anyone, he’s just in this whole situation for the money.

It’s a little hard to identify with him honestly, I mean I’m just a white guy livin’ in suburbia, I’ve never performed at a concert and expected 10 million dollars, I’ve also never been shot. The biggest problem is the motivation moving the story along, Fiddy wants to get paid. That’s it, you’re killing all these guys because you want a skull covered in diamonds. There’s just not a bit of nobility there.

So all the dudes that you kill in the game, you kill in the quest for money, your own personal greed as Mr. Cent. You want your skull back, and you will murder as many people as it takes to get it.

Sure they’ve all got machine guns and bad dispositions, but when you’re raining down hellfire and machine gun bullets at them from a helicopter, killing at least a few hundred guys in one level, you can’t help but think about the cycle of violence begetting violence, is getting a priceless skull really worth having the lives of all these men on your conscience?

Should I just go cut my loses and go home, cause I think what happens in the game might be considered an international incident.

It’s something I’ve never had to ponder before in my video games. In Call of Duty, the bad guys are either nazis or terrorists and you’re a soldier in a war, so it’s ok to shoot them in their faces. In Halo you’re shooting monster aliens, so it’s not just ok, it’s required to shoot them in their alien monster faces.

But in 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, well I feel that it’s safe to say that all the people that Fiddy shoots are at least “Bad Guys“, cause they work for a terrorist/gangster/warlord, but it still seems a little bit unnecessary. Fiddy comes out of the experience looking like a monster, he can kill hundreds of men, call them all bitches, and then continue killing, all so he can get his bling.

In addition to proving to being a cold hearted, gangsta killa, Fiddy refers to all the women in the game as “Bitches”, which would be more offensive, if half the women int he game weren’t middle eastern hookers/strippers. YAY FOR MISOGYNY!


So yeah If you can get past the moral quandaries and general douchitude that Fiddy brings to the table, you’ll probably enjoy 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand.

Cause to be honest the game’s hilarious. It’s so fucking stupid, I can hardly believe it even got made.


The game even has a taunt button that you can use to say various offensive things.

I’m pretty sure if you were a dumb ass 13 year old kid into rap music this would be “The Best Game Ever Made OMG!!!

But the problem is that the game plays well enough that all the stupid shit manages to become just part of the charm. It’s like Army of Two but even less serious, it’s like the short bus version of Gears of War.

I’m pretty sure that the people who made the game did so with tongues firmly planted in their cheeks. There’s no way to go about this material without a sense of humor. Which is the reason that the game gets a pass, because to be offended by something this retarded would be stupid.

Nothing this dumb should be taken seriously, and because the game is so silly it somehow manages to work.

There’s an undeniable charm to shooting a ton of faceless terrorist bad guys, hearing Fiddy yell something about getting his skull back, all while listening to really classy lyrics like these:

Nigga, it?s not a war when there’s casualties on one side, I ride
Turn it up on you niggas after Jay ride by
I click-clack, that?s that, I don’t flash, I mash
I wave the Uzi at ?em, I make a movie out ?em

Nigga, my gun go off
You see the barrell turnin’, you feel the hollows burnin’
Nigga, now you learnin’, nigga, my gun go off
Call it attempted murder, nigga, I’m tryin? to merk you
When I come back bustin’, nigga, my gun go off


Holy Fuck SHARKTOPUS Looks Amazing!!!

So yeah, I’m just sayin, this might be the best concept for anything ever.


It’s a combination shark and octopus, not as good as a combination pizza hut and taco bell, but still pretty amazing.

Feast your eyes on the glory below:

I’m having a hard time finding the words to describe this work of ART.

Looks at least as good as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

Super Stoked.

Thank You Roger Corman.

Yo Dawg I Heard You Like Centipedes

So while I usually find internet memes to be quite annoying, I find the “Yo Dawg I heard you like…” meme to be quite amusing.

Here’s my contribution.

Oh and I still find almost everything relating to The Human Centipede amusing.