Vanilla Ice is COOL AS ICE

Netflix Instant watch is easily the best thing to happen to movies since movies happened to movies.

You can vedge out in front of your TV and watch all sorts of films of varying quality. AS MANY AS YOU WANT!!!

They’ve got tons of Critertion Collection films, classic like M, Walkabout, and The Seventh Seal. There’s also plenty of Troma films if that’s your bag. It’s great, because they’ve frequently got films available to watch that never came out on DVD and are loooooong out of print.

You can sometimes find some great movies on instant watch that aren’t available anywhere else these days. I got to see the “Jeff Goldblum as the devil” film, Mr. Frost, for instance. That movie has been out of print since the VHS days.

Other times you can find movies that have been rightfully out of print since the VHS days. Like the 1991 Vanilla Ice vehichle Cool as Ice.

The movie is about Vanilla Ice riding into some small town with some friends on a motorcycle and his attempts to pick up this girl. He goes about it in the most retarded way imaginable. He’s just riding along and sees her riding a horse, so he magically jumps his motorcycle over a fence, and then almost kills her before attempting to hit on her.

So yeah, she’s understandably pissed after that. I mean I would be too, if someone made me fall off a horse.

That’s one half of the movie, the other half is weirdly reminiscent of A History of Violence. See the girl’s father is none other than everyone’s favorite Graboid hunter from the Tremors movies, Michael Gross. He used to be a cop or something and after some troubles, he and his wife went into hiding, but they were spotted on TV by former associates, who show up in their new small town life with threats and violence.

The two plots are just polar opposites, it’s like they just kinda took two unfinished scripts, mashed them together and added some Vanilla Ice. He spends half the movie riding around on a motorcycle and hanging out anyway.

He also spends most of the movie wearing an incredibly silly jacket. It’s just covered in random phrases like YEP YEP, DANGER, DOWN BY LAW, HYPE, ICE, and various other things. It’s the sort of fashion that nobody outside of 1991 would find remotely cool, much like everything about Ice in this movie. Cause no matter how cool he is trying to be, most of the time, he’s wearing really silly pants too. Not to mention his half shaved eyebrow, and silly hair cut.

Eventually the guys threatening the chick’s dad kidnap her little brother and threaten to end him, and so Vanilla Ice and his posse have to save the kid. It’s almost impressive, the efficiency at which they manage to do so.

So the movie ends with Vanilla Ice getting the girl, saving the day, and then some rapping.

Honestly the movie isn’t as bad as you’d expect, it’s no worse than most ‘musician makes a movie’ projects. And it’s kinda cliched at this point to dis the movie if you will, just based on Vanilla Ice. The movie’s 19 years old, if you still think it’s terrible just cause of the silly shit Ice does, then you’ve missed the whole point of watching it anymore. The movie is a time capsule, a warning to future generations, THIS SHIT WAS  COOL IN 1991, DON’T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. Those who don’t pay attention to history are doomed to repeat it.

Sure Ice isn’t the best actor, the plot is dumb, and the love story unbelievable, but considering the plethora of terrible cinema out there, I feel that this movie gets a bad rap. (PUN INTENDED). It’s currently #77 on the imdb.com bottom 100, and it doesn’t belong there. There are so many other shitpiles of filmaking that are worse than this. So many.

People just be hatin’ on Cool as Ice.

Honestly I enjoyed the movie, cause as un-good as most of it is, a lot of it is absurd and amusing. There’s also only like three rap numbers in the whole movie, so the amount of listening to Vanilla Ice actually rapping is less than you’d expect.

Cool as Ice, I absolve you of your sins.

You’re not as bad as you’re rep would suggest, and you’re even fun in a strange sort of way.

And with that I leave you with this, these words of wisdom, these immortal, magical lines from the film.

OK, actually I just remembered the tagline of the movie.

When a girl has a heart of stone there’s only one way to melt it.

Just Add Ice

Ok I admit it, that’s a pretty terrible tagline, it doesn’t make much sense.

For one you’re not gonna melt anything with Ice, and also since when is anyone refereed to as having a heart of stone?

But the tagline sucks in an awesomely bad sort of way, it’s just part of the charm.

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  1. Haha I’m actually the only reply to this great writing.

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